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I stared that this blog before sending it out. I like being honest and open with people, since it makes them comfortable to open up with me. But I've never been this honest and exposed before.

Last night, I degraded myself by turning to desperation to make myself feel worthy. I did this by trying to impress a waitress that I wasn't even attracted to or cared much about, by gloating about my money and superiority. It was like verbal diarrhea! I knew in my head I wasn't liking what was coming out of my mouth, but I felt I couldn't stop. The worst part was that I had just finished a seminar and my team and I stopped in there to get something to eat. At the point I started to ramble, my team simultaneously dropped their heads in disappointment and embarrassment. I'm not sure if the worst part was the insecure bragging, the disappointment in those closest to me, or me realizing what I was saying was coming from a very bad place.

I thought about it this morning and against my personality, I would turn to bragging. Here is how an action can be triggered by small events taking place all day and bubbling inside.

It started very early, when my parent's employee had a health problem and needed to go to the hospital, and asked me to go in and answer phones. My parents are away and so it was left to me to help. I cancelled some patients and changed a meeting in order to do it. After answering phones and taking messages,which made me feel like I went backwards in life by becoming a secretary, I checked my email to find someone that owed us $60,000 decided he didn't 'think it was necessary to pay'! What was the point of a contract then?? This made me feel like I was insignificant and worse, like a secretary. Finally, after giving a seminar I find out that the foundation I have been helping, are looking to hire a speaker at his regular fee, when I have been doing it at much less than my own to help them out! So again, now I'm an insignificant secretary that comes after everyone else.

Feels like I'm complaining, and looking back, I would see it as that too,but at the time I was getting angriest and angrier and more afraid that I was being lost in the shuffle of life.

The end result was me feeling a sense of loss of self worth and questioning with all that happened in one day, what was it all for??

The funny part was that I was told this was the best seminar I had ever done. Usually I like to study it and see what I can do better or should keep doing. It seemed that I was hitting points about having value for yourself and respecting yourself so others will respect you. Something that I have not been doing quite obviously. Maybe subconsiously I was saying it to 'sell' myself on it.

The strange part is that I get mad at people that do not have their intention in line. One particular girl that comes to mind, told me over and over again how she is only liked for her looks. She said that she had no friends and all were just around her because it was that type of crowd. Yet, she only hung out with clubbers and wore the skimpiest of clothing. When I told her over and over again to act like how she wanted to be treated, she will attract those types of people and be treated that way. But, she never stopped doing the clubbing thing, and would still complain about not having real friends or only being looked at like a sex object. Finally, I got so tired of it, I just left because I couldn't deal with the complaining and self victimization.

It seems I have done the same thing. I have not treated myself the way I would like to be treated, which ended up with me trying to 'show off' to a 20 year old waitress for no reason other than my own insecurities.

To the waitress, my team, my own self respect and to you all, I'm sorry. Today on I will not only look at the positive of those experiences leading up to a great lesson, but also realize the value I encompass.

To all of you, take note of what makes you special. As simple as a great smile! It makes you valuable to all of us. When you feel the need to brag, the need to be noticed or the need to act in a way that is not normally you, go back to what is really bothering you and understand it is not who you are! I'm not a secretary, but someone helping out in a family business when needed, I'm a person who will continue to do business and some people will be honourable and some won't, and I'm someone who has made it a goal to help others, whether I'm paid or not. A hard pill to swallow.